49 Ways Warner Bros. can change things
Warner Brothers has been in the headlines for the past few months for the wrong reasons. Whether it’s DC’s cancellation bat girl movie, removing their own media out of HBO Max, or even reviving the succubus, Ulibco, and forcing it to re-read reality show concepts. Their PR team is working overtime to put out these fires, and I’m here to help this group of 3 by giving them 49 ways Warner Brothers can make a difference!
READ: ‘Prey’ Easter eggs and nods to ‘Predator’ movies of the past
- Kill Ulibco. It shouldn’t even be on the table, but here we are.
- Breed and sell Miniature Schnauzers to the Girl Scouts of America is self-explanatory.
- Sell Discovery back to Christopher Columbus and let him make more discoveries.
- Sell Discovery to Christopher Columbus, but only if he swears he won’t commit any more genocides.
- Create a spin-off of Excellent chef called low cook, where you take 10 worst Applebee chefs across America and force them to cook without a microwave.
- Buy Apple.
- Buy banana.
- Buy…s#!t this is my grocery list. Both are good options, though.
Sell No Neck Ed at a turtle exhibit.
- Create iPod 2.
- See if Burger King forgot to drop off the “Whopper”. Enter and collect royalties forever.
- See if Wendy’s forgot to trademark “Baconator.” Enter and collect royalties forever.
- See if Delaware forgot to trademark the “Useless Piece of S#!t State”. Come in and collect royalties until China takes over.
- Sell the Delaware slogan to China.
- Produce viable and sustainable content for years to come.
Release Ezra Miller in Disneyworld.
- See if you can do Ocean 14 without Bernie Mac, Carl Reiner and Matt Damon (too expensive).
- Challenge 1,000 12-year-olds to battle. Bet against yourself. Start the fight.
- Challenge 1,000 12-year-olds to battle. Bet against yourself. Get murdered by 1,000 twelve-year-olds. Your heirs use the winnings to sue 1,000 families, tripling the profit.
- Change your name to “Dizney” and hope no one notices.
- Exit bat girl by launching the Twitter account “Every bat girl Frame In Order” – if it ever drops below 1,500 likes/tweet, you stop tweeting the images. Let the masses dictate if the entire movie is ever released.
- Stream the Ayer Cut just for my friend Noah – just know his word of mouth is enough to get people excited for future DC movies.
Try to climb Bar Rescue and I hope the same principles apply to a film studio.
- Fully pivot and become the main competitor of Orange Julius in shopping malls.
- Convince Sony to reissue Morbius.
- 4D printer (?!)
- Sell homemade crafts on Etsy.
- Create and market an OnlyFans account exclusive to David Zaslav: ZonlyFans.
- Focus all funds and resources on creating your own political party within the current American democracy. Win the House, Senate and Presidency. Make it illegal to run a studio semi-competently. Become the last remaining movie studio.
Sell the Harry Potter Licence rights to Trojan condoms.
- Build Looney Tunes: Back in Action 2 and give Brendan Fraser a 300,000% pay raise.
- Fight a bear.
- Go on a vision quest in the San Fernando Valley.
- The Big Bang Theory reunion special. Executing Jim Parsons for The Big Bang Theory reunion special. Announce The Big Bang Theory suite in honor of Jim Parsons.
- live action Wacky races with Chris Pratt as Muttley.
- Attract high-profile, established creatives to create art for your business, then have your nephew, who has 1.7,000 YouTube subscribers, do all the editing for your movie.
- See Bullet #24.
- Go back to school and choose a more lucrative career path.
- Warner Bros. Exclusive Cars (??)
- Keep tanking the studio and possibly release an 8-part documentary series about this failed attempt.
- Ted Lasso themed amusement park.
Buy FullCircleCinema.com for $3.2 million for the excellent publicity.
- Bet everything on red.
- Buy the exclusive rights to Dharma and Greg. Restart it with a less stupid name: Dharma and Giovanni.
Hire a CEO who is business savvy and flexible with creativesHuckleberry Hound Cinematic Universe.
- Focus on creating biased content in Yugoslav.
- wonder twins but featuring conjoined twins.
- Raise the price of HBO Max to $15,000/month and don’t tell anyone. With the current estimated 76.8 million subscribers, you would earn around $1.15 trillion in a month. You are welcome. Idiots.
This list originally had 106 balls, but I’m saving all the good ones for my eventual interview with Warner Bros.
Did you enjoy this article? If so, consider visiting our YouTube channel, where we discuss the latest and greatest pop culture news.